Since Tuesday I’ve been doing my best to get by.  It’s not going so well.

Even as the communities that I’m supposed to be “part of” come together to work on activism, I feel more and more isolated and alone.  I want to be together and engaging in my communities, but the prospect of having to go out into places where I already feel excluded (which is pretty much everywhere) is daunting and anxiety-inducing at best.

I’m not sure how to make that first step toward interaction.

Thursday night began another grief cycle for me.  My grandmother called me to let me know she intends to sell the family beach cabin.  The place that they built by hand in the ’60s.  It’s definitely not a “house” – it’s a “cabin” in the minimalist sense of the word.  It’s a single large room, with a 90% enclosed bathroom, no shower… but it’s walking distance from one of the best beaches in Oregon.  It’s a place that I spent a good part of my childhood. The beach has been a safe place for me since the very first time I went.  My first visit was February 3rd, 1978 – I was less than six months old.  There is a “guest book” at the cabin that everyone signs each time they visit.  It documents the history of the place from the time it was built.  It has so many memories for me – some of them incredible, some of them bitter or painful, but all of them meaningful. Half of my grandfather’s ashes are spread under the deck.

She doesn’t want to deal with the county taxes or the water bills anymore.  In theory, I can.  Since then I’ve been trying to decide if it’s in my, or anyone else’s, best interests to try and convince her to sell it to me.  Trying to decide if that’s another responsibility I can afford to add to my endless list.

If Facebook is still trying to tell people that my site is “malicious” I’m going to snap.

After last night, I’ve decided that I need to actually use this for what I created it for.  A place to voice thoughts and opinions about things that are important to me.

Last night’s election race was incredibly important to me.

Today I am numb.  I am the sort of numb which you have when you’ve been in the cold for too long, just as feeling begins to return to your extremities, and the only sensation is tingling pain.  The only emotions I’m capable of right now are fear and anger.  Even the anger is taking a backseat to the fear and numbness.  I’m more than a little dissociative.

Elections in the past have made me angry.  They’ve made me livid.  They’ve never made me fear for my own safety and the safety of everyone that I hold dear.  I am afraid because of Trump and Pence will directly do, with the support of both a republican House and Senate.  I’m afraid for the precedents which will be set by the Supreme Court Justices that Trump will be able to place, with the help of the Republican House and Senate.  The same ones who have been actively refusing to perform their jobs to confirm Obama’s judicial nominee.

Those make me scared.  What really strikes fear into me is the fact that we now know for certain how many people in this country are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, rapist, self-centered bigots.  I’m afraid because of what they will do.  I’m afraid for my physical and emotional safety.  These people were emboldened by Trump’s campaign, and are now brought screaming into the light like some hideous violent child.

I’m afraid for the violence that’s to come.  The fact that the white supremacists and Nazis now have nothing to fear.

This is what I fear –

Our country has always had a problem with Islamophobia.  Now it has a leader who promotes it.

Our country has always had problems with racism, sexism, and LGBT-phobia.  Now it has a leader who promotes them.  The violence is going to increase.  It’s not a question of “if,” it’s a question of “how much” and “how quickly.”  I also have no doubt that the violence is going to increase from sources which are supposed to be helping.  Open police violence against people of color, and especially against people of middle eastern descent (or appearance), latinx people, and people in the queer community.

I am a (mostly) white, middle-class, educated, openly lesbian, openly transgender woman.  There are several axes where I have privilege, but there are also many where I am potentially on the receiving end of violent attacks.

Trans Lifeline, an organization that I support and cherish for their work, crashed today due to the number of trans people that are so afraid of what happened that they are thinking about suicide.  Let that sink in for a second.  The US just elected someone who is so horrible that people are contemplating suicide because they are so afraid of the future under his “leadership.”

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Right now, I’m going to reel in pain and anger and fear… but I won’t stay that way.  I’m going to fight back.  I’m going to do what I can to counteract the madness that has been unleashed with the election of Donald Trump.